で
も
う
け
い
れ
る
こ
と
が
で
き
な
い
"but there's something I can't accept"
あ
な
た
が
い
つ
か
"that someday"
ほ
ん
と
う
の
半
分
を
見
つ
け
る
ま
で
"you'll find your other true half."
ず
っ
と
そ
ば
に
い
る
ね
"stay with me forever."
Monday, November 27, 2006
...
So my worst fears have been confirmed.
Things are different.
This is really immature and stupid, and I'm mad at myself for being upset about it,
but my BF signed online and talked to my cousin and didn't talk to me.
We don't even talk anymore. I can't call him right now because I know
he'll be like "this isn't a good time, I'm out with people."
He's always out with people.
When I went home everything was just so bad. It's still wearing on me.
Gary even noticed and was like "what's wrong?" when I was moping around his room.
He kept giving me hugs and I got mad at him for making me feel better when I don't want him to,
it should be my BF but he never does, he just makes me feel worse sometimes.
I don't even want him to lavish me with attention, just...sometimes...
I don't know.
I don't want to be here.
And I don't want to go home either.
I don't want to be anywhere. :(
Things are different.
This is really immature and stupid, and I'm mad at myself for being upset about it,
but my BF signed online and talked to my cousin and didn't talk to me.
We don't even talk anymore. I can't call him right now because I know
he'll be like "this isn't a good time, I'm out with people."
He's always out with people.
When I went home everything was just so bad. It's still wearing on me.
Gary even noticed and was like "what's wrong?" when I was moping around his room.
He kept giving me hugs and I got mad at him for making me feel better when I don't want him to,
it should be my BF but he never does, he just makes me feel worse sometimes.
I don't even want him to lavish me with attention, just...sometimes...
I don't know.
I don't want to be here.
And I don't want to go home either.
I don't want to be anywhere. :(
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Home
So I went home and came back already.
It wasn't what I was expecting.
The first night was the best.
My boyfriend and I were so happy to see each other, and as soon as we got to his place and took off
our coats, his arms were around me and he was holding me tight to him and kissing me
and I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so happy and so completely content.
Things moved to the bedroom and he pulled me onto the bed and held me again, and
we kissed for a long time. Then clothes started coming off and I was really embarassed and didn't
want him to see. He assured me he liked what he saw, and he yanked my tshirt off and took my
breasts into his hands and began kissing me all over my face.
I felt a little weird, since that was the first time I had been with him in over 6 weeks.
When I gave him a blow-job I felt a little intimidated, and didn't really remember what to do.
He went down on me and I was so worried about how much time I was taking I forced myself
to orgasm so he wouldn't be so bored.
But then we were having sex, and it felt so good and he came inside me and then I felt better.
The next couple days he was sick, and the last night I was home, things got bad.
We had a weird fight the night wasn't going that well anyway. I was feeling sick but I still
wanted to have sex one last time. But he was in a bad mood for some reason and he drove to
my house, instead of his. There was tension and I didn't really want to be around it
so I tried to go inside but he knew I wanted to have sex so he kept insisting that I go in and take
my pill and come back out, but I knew he didn't want to and I knew the sex would be awful
that way, and preferred to remember Wednesday night's sex instead of forcing him.
But, in the end, I was locked out (I was going to go inside and never see him again for another
month)
and I slept over. Things were still kinda weird even though the fighting atmosphere
was gone. For example, while he was out of the room I stripped down to my panties
and a camisole to sleep in and got under the blankets. Then he came into the room and said
the blanket I was laying on was dirty, and I should lay on the next layer instead. So I made him
turn out the lights while I climbed out of the blankets, because I didn't want him to see
me half naked. And he abided.
But then he got in the bed too, and said "You're not allowed to wear a bra to bed."
So I said "Will you help me?"
Then he took my bra off, and there was a pause, and then his hands were on my
breasts and we were kissing.
Then things went really fast and we ended up almost having carnal, animalistic sex.
He was being really forceful and I'm not sure I liked it.
After it was over I felt weird...like I had had sex with a different person, and not
my boyfriend. Because he's not like that in bed. He's really gentle and says heart-melting things to me and kisses me in places I like to be kissed and devots lots of time to foreplay.
He said he's going to come see me for my birthday. I hope everything's alright by then.
It wasn't what I was expecting.
The first night was the best.
My boyfriend and I were so happy to see each other, and as soon as we got to his place and took off
our coats, his arms were around me and he was holding me tight to him and kissing me
and I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so happy and so completely content.
Things moved to the bedroom and he pulled me onto the bed and held me again, and
we kissed for a long time. Then clothes started coming off and I was really embarassed and didn't
want him to see. He assured me he liked what he saw, and he yanked my tshirt off and took my
breasts into his hands and began kissing me all over my face.
I felt a little weird, since that was the first time I had been with him in over 6 weeks.
When I gave him a blow-job I felt a little intimidated, and didn't really remember what to do.
He went down on me and I was so worried about how much time I was taking I forced myself
to orgasm so he wouldn't be so bored.
But then we were having sex, and it felt so good and he came inside me and then I felt better.
The next couple days he was sick, and the last night I was home, things got bad.
We had a weird fight the night wasn't going that well anyway. I was feeling sick but I still
wanted to have sex one last time. But he was in a bad mood for some reason and he drove to
my house, instead of his. There was tension and I didn't really want to be around it
so I tried to go inside but he knew I wanted to have sex so he kept insisting that I go in and take
my pill and come back out, but I knew he didn't want to and I knew the sex would be awful
that way, and preferred to remember Wednesday night's sex instead of forcing him.
But, in the end, I was locked out (I was going to go inside and never see him again for another
month)
and I slept over. Things were still kinda weird even though the fighting atmosphere
was gone. For example, while he was out of the room I stripped down to my panties
and a camisole to sleep in and got under the blankets. Then he came into the room and said
the blanket I was laying on was dirty, and I should lay on the next layer instead. So I made him
turn out the lights while I climbed out of the blankets, because I didn't want him to see
me half naked. And he abided.
But then he got in the bed too, and said "You're not allowed to wear a bra to bed."
So I said "Will you help me?"
Then he took my bra off, and there was a pause, and then his hands were on my
breasts and we were kissing.
Then things went really fast and we ended up almost having carnal, animalistic sex.
He was being really forceful and I'm not sure I liked it.
After it was over I felt weird...like I had had sex with a different person, and not
my boyfriend. Because he's not like that in bed. He's really gentle and says heart-melting things to me and kisses me in places I like to be kissed and devots lots of time to foreplay.
He said he's going to come see me for my birthday. I hope everything's alright by then.
Monday, November 20, 2006
I don't even want to go home anymore.
Everything is stupid there.
I don't even know who anyone is anymore.
And my boyfriend is falling for my cousin.
They spend every day together.
When I still lived at home I never spent every day with him
even thought I really really wanted to...but he always complained
that he never had enough time.
But all she has to do it say the word and he'll go running to her.
So I understand this to mean that he likes her, and not just that, that he likes her
more than he has ever liked me...
That kind of hurts, you know.
So now there is a new connection between my boyfriend and my cousin.
And before I left it was my boyfriend and I, and my cousin was the third wheel.
Now I'm the third wheel.
Or that's what it'll feel like.
I wonder if he'll even want to hang out with me because she's actually leaving
when I go home...
he'll probably be too depressed to go out.
Everything is stupid there.
I don't even know who anyone is anymore.
And my boyfriend is falling for my cousin.
They spend every day together.
When I still lived at home I never spent every day with him
even thought I really really wanted to...but he always complained
that he never had enough time.
But all she has to do it say the word and he'll go running to her.
So I understand this to mean that he likes her, and not just that, that he likes her
more than he has ever liked me...
That kind of hurts, you know.
So now there is a new connection between my boyfriend and my cousin.
And before I left it was my boyfriend and I, and my cousin was the third wheel.
Now I'm the third wheel.
Or that's what it'll feel like.
I wonder if he'll even want to hang out with me because she's actually leaving
when I go home...
he'll probably be too depressed to go out.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
UUURGHNNHG
UUURGHNNHG
Okay. So. I'm having a bit of a dilemma.
I'm taking birth control pills, and as of right now, my period is scheduled to come
on the exact day that I'm supposed to come home. And then to stop on the night I leave.
So, my older, and knowledgable friend was listening to me rant about this,
and he suggested that I skip my placebo pills and to go to the new pack of
hormone pills. He said lots of women do it, and that his girlfriend used to do it all the time.
So I was so excited, and raced back to my room to tell my boyfriend.
What was his reaction? He didn't want me to skip the placebos!
I should have expected this of him, he's so practical.
He tells me I should talk to a doctor, but I have to decide tonight what to do,
to skip the placebos or to go right to the next week of hormone pills.
I'm so torn about what to do...
I'm finding all this information on the internet, but every other source
seems to be contradicting what I've just read. I can't make up my mind.
I can't find any information about the particular medication I'm taking.
I think it might be okay, but I wanna know the dosage because it seems fine
to skip placebos if it's a low dosage, but my medication is known
to be used as a sort of emergency-back-up thing.
I want to talk to my boyfriend about all of this so bad,
but he's with people all night and I'm so frustrated.
I keep calling him but he's still with FUCKING PEOPLE and the conversation
is very stiff and unnatural and I can't be like "so...this one girl said...and...this one..."
He obviously doesn't want to talk about it.
I'm kinda ready to cry. I'm so frustrated. This was supposed to be GOOD news,
but he's tell me it's not okay.
This is all retarded. I'm so stressed right now.
Like all of my electronic equipment broke on me today (my printer, ipod issues)
my roommate is driving me nuts, moreso than usual.
Now I have so much to do and figure out before I go home on Wednesday...
stuff about next semester.
Why did he have to ruin it???!?!?
I hate him. Now we won't even have sex anyway.
I don't care.
Okay. So. I'm having a bit of a dilemma.
I'm taking birth control pills, and as of right now, my period is scheduled to come
on the exact day that I'm supposed to come home. And then to stop on the night I leave.
So, my older, and knowledgable friend was listening to me rant about this,
and he suggested that I skip my placebo pills and to go to the new pack of
hormone pills. He said lots of women do it, and that his girlfriend used to do it all the time.
So I was so excited, and raced back to my room to tell my boyfriend.
What was his reaction? He didn't want me to skip the placebos!
I should have expected this of him, he's so practical.
He tells me I should talk to a doctor, but I have to decide tonight what to do,
to skip the placebos or to go right to the next week of hormone pills.
I'm so torn about what to do...
I'm finding all this information on the internet, but every other source
seems to be contradicting what I've just read. I can't make up my mind.
I can't find any information about the particular medication I'm taking.
I think it might be okay, but I wanna know the dosage because it seems fine
to skip placebos if it's a low dosage, but my medication is known
to be used as a sort of emergency-back-up thing.
I want to talk to my boyfriend about all of this so bad,
but he's with people all night and I'm so frustrated.
I keep calling him but he's still with FUCKING PEOPLE and the conversation
is very stiff and unnatural and I can't be like "so...this one girl said...and...this one..."
He obviously doesn't want to talk about it.
I'm kinda ready to cry. I'm so frustrated. This was supposed to be GOOD news,
but he's tell me it's not okay.
This is all retarded. I'm so stressed right now.
Like all of my electronic equipment broke on me today (my printer, ipod issues)
my roommate is driving me nuts, moreso than usual.
Now I have so much to do and figure out before I go home on Wednesday...
stuff about next semester.
Why did he have to ruin it???!?!?
I hate him. Now we won't even have sex anyway.
I don't care.
Friday, November 17, 2006
:(
I'm kinda nervous about seeing my boyfriend again, to tell you the truth.
The most time we've ever spent apart has been two weeks, on two separate occasions...when I
went to Japan, and the first two weeks I was here at uni.
It's going to be about seven weeks when I see him again. I haven't been with him for seven weeks,
and I think I'm going to have to get readjusted.
I don't want him to see me naked! I think he thinks I lost weight...
but I didn't really...so I don't want him to be disappointed :(
What if he realizes that...he doesn't really like having sex with me? What if he just thought he did,
and now with all this time to think about it, he realizes it's not that good or something?
It's like I don't know him anymore....
why is this so weird and hard?
Does he still love me?
The most time we've ever spent apart has been two weeks, on two separate occasions...when I
went to Japan, and the first two weeks I was here at uni.
It's going to be about seven weeks when I see him again. I haven't been with him for seven weeks,
and I think I'm going to have to get readjusted.
I don't want him to see me naked! I think he thinks I lost weight...
but I didn't really...so I don't want him to be disappointed :(
What if he realizes that...he doesn't really like having sex with me? What if he just thought he did,
and now with all this time to think about it, he realizes it's not that good or something?
It's like I don't know him anymore....
why is this so weird and hard?
Does he still love me?
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Top 10
Top 10 Foreplay Favorites
(Not in order)
1. Making out
2. my boyfriend naked
3. my boyfriend massaging my breasts hard
4. my boyfriend playing with my nipples
5. my boyfriend undressing me
6. my boyfriend teasing me over my panties
7. blow jobs :)
8. cunnilinguis
9. being kissed on the neck while my boyfriend carresses my breasts
10. hmm...I dunno....
(Not in order)
1. Making out
2. my boyfriend naked
3. my boyfriend massaging my breasts hard
4. my boyfriend playing with my nipples
5. my boyfriend undressing me
6. my boyfriend teasing me over my panties
7. blow jobs :)
8. cunnilinguis
9. being kissed on the neck while my boyfriend carresses my breasts
10. hmm...I dunno....
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
survey
current clothing: black cardigan, white & blue striped t-shirt, jeans
current mood: apathetic
current taste: fresca
current hair: long and straight
current annoyance: my roommate
current smell: dorm smell...kinda like waffles
current thing you ought to be doing: studying for my japanese exam tomorrow
current jewelry: small black square earrings, heart necklace
current book: a personal matter by kenzaburo oe
current refreshment: alternating between water and fresca
current worry: nothing. everything. that my boyfriend will be disappointed to see me naked.
current crush: my boyfriend
current favorite celebrity: sophia coppola
current longing: to go home
current music: age of consent by new order
current wish: that i could go home tonight
current lyric in your head: let's make a pie, let's make a pie
current makeup (if you're a girl!): foundation, powder, black eyeliner, green eyeshadow also acting as eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, blush, highlighter
current undergarments: pink and grey striped panties, white lacy bra
current regret: eating eggrolls
current desktop picture: rirakkuma
current plans for tonight/weekend: internet, studying with gary (not his real name) sleep
current cuss word du jour: darrrrfuck
current disappointment: that gary's coming over
current amusement: nothing :(
current IM/person you're talking to: no one
current love: my boyfriend <3
current obsession: doing my hair
current avoidance: social activity
current thing or things on your wall: kill bill poster, hoshi no koe poster, ukiyoe print, poster of a 1940s era picture of a sailor picking a girl up in his arms and kissing her while people are watching
current favorite book: the bridegroom is a dog
current favorite movie: totoro
current mood: apathetic
current taste: fresca
current hair: long and straight
current annoyance: my roommate
current smell: dorm smell...kinda like waffles
current thing you ought to be doing: studying for my japanese exam tomorrow
current jewelry: small black square earrings, heart necklace
current book: a personal matter by kenzaburo oe
current refreshment: alternating between water and fresca
current worry: nothing. everything. that my boyfriend will be disappointed to see me naked.
current crush: my boyfriend
current favorite celebrity: sophia coppola
current longing: to go home
current music: age of consent by new order
current wish: that i could go home tonight
current lyric in your head: let's make a pie, let's make a pie
current makeup (if you're a girl!): foundation, powder, black eyeliner, green eyeshadow also acting as eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, blush, highlighter
current undergarments: pink and grey striped panties, white lacy bra
current regret: eating eggrolls
current desktop picture: rirakkuma
current plans for tonight/weekend: internet, studying with gary (not his real name) sleep
current cuss word du jour: darrrrfuck
current disappointment: that gary's coming over
current amusement: nothing :(
current IM/person you're talking to: no one
current love: my boyfriend <3
current obsession: doing my hair
current avoidance: social activity
current thing or things on your wall: kill bill poster, hoshi no koe poster, ukiyoe print, poster of a 1940s era picture of a sailor picking a girl up in his arms and kissing her while people are watching
current favorite book: the bridegroom is a dog
current favorite movie: totoro
Mmmmm
So my roommate's going to be gone for a while tonight. I decided to settle down with my iVibe.
It didn't take me long to get wet. I thought about my boyfriend and all the dirty conversations
we've had over the phone,
and how I'm going to be with him in only a week, and what we were going to do to each other...I sat with my back against the wall and bent my knees and pushed it in, turning the shaft
part on at the same time. It's really loud so I only used it for a few seconds to get warmed up. I turned that part off and then I turned the 'rabbit ears' part on to a medium speed and I came within the minute.
After that I wanted even more, so I turned the speed up and set it to nonstop vibrating, and came again. I switched it back and kept cumming over and over. The batteries are dying in it, and after
my 10th orgasm it started to slow down. I hadn't even been using it for 5 minutes! The rabbit
ears vibrating gently on my clit. I shifted so it was hitting the exact right place. Then I came, and kept the rabbit ears on the same spot the whole time, so as soon as one orgasm died down another one would come right after it. This was almost better than when it had full battery power!
But now the batteries are charging. I should do homework :)
Monday, November 13, 2006
Sunday, November 12, 2006
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