で
も
う
け
い
れ
る
こ
と
が
で
き
な
い
"but there's something I can't accept"

あ
な
た
が
い
つ
か
"that someday"

ほ
ん
と
う
の
半
分
を
見
つ
け
る
ま
で
"you'll find your other true half."


ず
っ
と
そ
ば
に
い
る
ね
"stay with me forever."

...

 So my worst fears have been confirmed.
Things are different.
This is really immature and stupid, and I'm mad at myself for being upset about it,
but my BF signed online and talked to my cousin and didn't talk to me.
We don't even talk anymore. I can't call him right now because I know
he'll be like "this isn't a good time, I'm out with people."
He's always out with people.
When I went home everything was just so bad. It's still wearing on me.
Gary even noticed and was like "what's wrong?" when  I was moping around his room.
He kept giving me hugs and I got mad at him for making me feel better when I don't want him to,
it should be my BF but he never does, he just makes me feel worse sometimes.
I don't even want him to lavish me with attention, just...sometimes...
I don't know.
I don't want to be here.
And I don't want to go home either.
I don't want to be anywhere. :(

Home

So I went home and came back already.
It wasn't what I was expecting.
The first night was the best.
My boyfriend and I were so happy to see each other, and as soon as we got to his place and took off 
our coats, his arms were around me and he was holding me tight to him and kissing me
and I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so happy and so completely content.
Things moved to the bedroom and he pulled me onto the bed and held me again, and 
we kissed for a long time. Then clothes started coming off and I was really embarassed and didn't
want him to see. He assured me he liked what he saw, and he yanked my tshirt off and took my 
breasts into his hands and began kissing me all over my face.
I felt a little weird, since that was the first time I had been with him in over 6 weeks.
When I gave him a blow-job I felt a little intimidated, and didn't really remember what to do.
He went down on me and I was so worried about how much time I was taking I forced myself
to orgasm so he wouldn't be so bored.
But then we were having sex, and it felt so good and he came inside me and then I felt better.
The next couple days he was sick, and the last night I was home, things got bad.
We had a weird fight the night wasn't going that well anyway. I was feeling sick but I still
wanted to have sex one last time. But he was in a bad mood for some reason and he drove to 
my house, instead of his. There was tension and I didn't really want to be around it
so I tried to go inside but he knew I wanted to have sex so he kept insisting that I go in and take
my pill and come back out, but I knew he didn't want to and I knew the sex would be awful 
that way, and preferred to remember Wednesday night's sex instead of forcing him.
But, in the end, I was locked out (I was going to go inside and never see him again for another
month)
and I slept over. Things were still kinda weird even though the fighting atmosphere 
was gone. For example, while he was out of the room I stripped down to my panties
and a camisole to sleep in and got under the blankets. Then he came into the room and said
the blanket I was laying on was dirty, and I should lay on the next layer instead. So I made him
turn out the lights while I climbed out of the blankets, because I didn't want him to see
me half naked. And he abided.
But then he got in the bed too, and said "You're not allowed to wear a bra to bed."
So I said "Will you help me?"
Then he took my bra off, and there was a pause, and then his hands were on my
breasts and we were kissing.
Then things went really fast and we ended up almost having carnal, animalistic sex.
He was being really forceful and I'm not sure I liked it.
After it was over I felt weird...like I had had sex with a different person, and not
my boyfriend. Because he's not like that in bed. He's really gentle and says heart-melting things to me and kisses me in places I like to be kissed and devots lots of time to foreplay.
He said he's going to come see me for my birthday. I hope everything's alright by then.
 

I don't even want to go home anymore.
Everything is stupid there.
I don't even know who anyone is anymore.
And my boyfriend is falling for my cousin.
They spend every day together.
When I still lived at home I never spent every day with him
even thought I really really wanted to...but he always complained
that he never had enough time.
But all she has to do it say the word and he'll go running to her.
So I understand this to mean that he likes her, and not just that, that he likes her
more than he has ever liked me...
That kind of hurts, you know.
So now there is a new connection between my boyfriend and my cousin.
 And before I left it was my boyfriend and I, and my cousin was the third wheel.
Now I'm the third wheel.
Or that's what it'll feel like.
I wonder if he'll even want to hang out with me because she's actually leaving
when I go home...
he'll probably be too depressed to go out.

UUURGHNNHG

UUURGHNNHG



Okay. So. I'm having a bit of a dilemma.

I'm taking birth control pills, and as of right now, my period is scheduled to come

on the exact day that I'm supposed to come home. And then to stop on the night I leave.

So, my older, and knowledgable friend was listening to me rant about this,

and he suggested that I skip my placebo pills and to go to the new pack of

hormone pills. He said lots of women do it, and that his girlfriend used to do it all the time.

So I was so excited, and raced back to my room to tell my boyfriend.

What was his reaction? He didn't want me to skip the placebos!

I should have expected this of him, he's so practical.

He tells me I should talk to a doctor, but I have to decide tonight what to do,

to skip the placebos or to go right to the next week of hormone pills.

I'm so torn about what to do...

I'm finding all this information on the internet, but every other source

seems to be contradicting what I've just read. I can't make up my mind.

I can't find any information about the particular medication I'm taking.

I think it might be okay, but I wanna know the dosage because it seems fine

to skip placebos if it's a low dosage, but my medication is known

to be used as a sort of emergency-back-up thing.

I want to talk to my boyfriend about all of this so bad,

but he's with people all night and I'm so frustrated.

I keep calling him but he's still with FUCKING PEOPLE and the conversation

is very stiff and unnatural and I can't be like "so...this one girl said...and...this one..."

He obviously doesn't want to talk about it.

I'm kinda ready to cry. I'm so frustrated. This was supposed to be GOOD news,

but he's tell me it's not okay.

This is all retarded. I'm so stressed right now.

Like all of my electronic equipment broke on me today (my printer, ipod issues)

my roommate is driving me nuts, moreso than usual.

Now I have so much to do and figure out before I go home on Wednesday...

stuff about next semester.



Why did he have to ruin it???!?!?

I hate him. Now we won't even have sex anyway.

I don't care.

 

 

:(

I'm kinda nervous about seeing my boyfriend again, to tell you the truth.
The most time we've ever spent apart has been two weeks, on two separate occasions...when I 
went to Japan, and the first two weeks I was here at uni.
It's going to be about seven weeks when I see him again. I haven't been with him for seven weeks,
and I think I'm going to have to get readjusted. 
I don't want him to see me naked! I think he thinks I lost weight...
but I didn't really...so I don't want him to be disappointed :(
What if he realizes that...he doesn't really like having sex with me? What if he just thought he did,
and now with all this time to think about it, he realizes it's not that good or something?
It's like I don't know him anymore....
why is this so weird and hard?
Does he still love me? 

Top 10

Top 10 Foreplay Favorites
(Not in order)

1. Making out
2. my boyfriend naked
3. my boyfriend massaging my breasts hard
4. my boyfriend playing with my nipples
5. my boyfriend undressing me
6. my boyfriend teasing me over my panties
7. blow jobs :)
8. cunnilinguis
9. being kissed on the neck while my boyfriend carresses my breasts
10. hmm...I dunno....